I've finally come to the conclusion that this whole deal isn't going to start
itself, so I might as well get rolling with it. Now that I have a website, I
can at least put out the word: recruitment for my cult begins today.
specific--a lot of followers. You can't call 3 guys a cult,
even if they are wearing robes. I'm thinking 30 followers
should do to start, but I don't see any reason there can't
be a few hundred eventually. The more the better,
especially for me, because I'm going to need joining
members to turn over their possesions to me (yes,
including cash from bank accounts--don't half ass this,
now!) and also sign a form turning over thier power of
attorney to me. All of this may seem like a lot, but I'm
going to need this for the greater cause.
Ah! The cause. I guess I can even capitalize that,
making it 'The Cause.' Only I know all of the intricate
details of The Cause, but suffice it to say that our ultimate
goal includes a clean, happy, fulfilling life and then a ride
on a spaceship to an alien paradise. I'm pretty sure I'm
the only guy in the world that can offer this; I have been
chosen as the Earth contact for the Xiaziach movement,
currently underway in several star systems in our Milky
Way galaxy and, I've also learned, other galaxies around
the universe. This movement was started by an
advanced populace of beings interested in uplifting
organic life everywhere to incredible levels of power,
happiness, and peace. These superintelligent beings
have learned how to acheive it, and now they're ready to
share, and even take us to planets specially terraformed
for this purpose!
But enough about that. I'm sorry, but if you want to learn
more, you're going to have to sign up. If everyone knew
the details, what would prevent them from going and
starting thier own individual cults? My cult, on the other
hand, already has some prospective names: The 'Jeff
Dahlinians', perhaps? What about 'The Squarestown
Devouts'? Try this one on for size: 'Puff Daddy & The
Family.' No, that last one won't work. But you can see
where I'm going with this, right? Catchy name = catching
a ride on the spaceship.
Now, let's talk about life as a member of the cult. I
imagine there are things in your life that you are pretty
fed up with, right? Traffic, taxes, visits to the dentist, etc.
Well, say goodbye to all that! None of those things can
bother you when you are a Member. What's more, you'll
be able to shed many more of the crutches of modern life.
anyone except Jeff. They're
superintelligent beings from
the Xiaziach movement, ready
to bring humankind to the
next level of evolution.
These all knowing beings can
tell you about anything-- from
mind/body dualism to the
real reason Lindsay Lohan
and Hilary Duff hate each
other!
happiness!
Nothing good in life comes easy, right? ...Wrong!
Becoming a Member is a snap. First, you have to realize
that personal possessions can't follow us to our New
Paradise. All ownership of property can be turned over
to me, because I will then find a way to have it benefit us
and The Cause. Nothing helps more than cold hard
cash. I will provide you with everything you need after
that! White robes, comfortable footwear, and a comfy
cot to sleep in. And when it comes time to eat...
Be thankful for beans!
Wonderful, plentiful beans will fuel our Cause. Beans
will be your Earthbound provider once you are a
Member. You'll spend each day surrounded by nature,
under the sun, picking glorious beans. They will give
you sustenance...and more importantly, purpose!
Believe me, if you don't know the simple pleasure of a
14-hour bean picking shift, you really haven't lived, my
friend! Sales of additional beans will produce further
funds to help The Cause.
Get close to your brilliant leader!
Ladies, this one's for you. During our time spent
preparing for our space voyage, I will personally teach
and guide selected female Members. The Xiaziach
beings have demonstrated ways in which I can enhance
my cosmic receptors through pleasure and touch with
certain human females. Help me help you!
Take pride in defending The Cause.
Fellas, I'm not going to leave you hanging. Between
bean picking sessions, there's going to be some
downtime. I know you'll be too excited to sleep, so I'll
give you an important mission--security detail! Who
knows what enemies may try to stop our pursuit of the
cause? We'll make sure we (along with Smith &
Wesson) are equipped to face any challenge we might
encounter!
The 'No Suicide' Guarantee
Leaders who have their followers swallow cyanide are
jerks! I would never do that. If (knock on wood)
anything should ever happen to our tight knit family
(ATF raid, family interference, etc.) I will allow our
Members to go back into the world, where they can get
back on thier feet, earn some money, and save it up so
that we can regroup, pool our cash once again, and
continue our important mission. Our alien protectors will
be here soon!
Even Buklolt could kick this
guy's ass. Probably.
to get used to guns on the
kitchen counter. You'll see!
received personal attention
from Jeff! He picked me!"
asshole. Forget about
him--no one's going to die in
my cult. As long as you can
pick beans or go earn money
to bring back, you are part of
my valuable family!
jeffdahlin@yahoo.com and I will give you further instructions.
You can find a better life and eternal happines--and I will help!
Come to me, sons and daughters, the Xiaziachs await us all!
