Many strange and wonderful things happened in the sideyard at the
Velardo house.  My favourite story involves Kyle, a used condom, and an
angry neighbor.  Here, Gute ensures the vines are properly watered.
After this, none of us will ever be President.
After years of speculation, Cornelius finally checked to see if his nipples
are as large as a dime.  They aren't.
Last weekend, Kyle told me that he's retiring from slutting around all the
time.  It's going to be a tall order.  Most wild parties involve girls lifting up
their shirts and getting wasted.  Kyle would be a real hit at Mardi Gras, but
it would sure be a shame to watch him get gang raped, which would
probably happen if he insisted on showing his sexy midriff.
Me: "Dave, I don't think you should sit on that thing."

Dave: "Jeff, don't fuckin' tell me what not to do."
I bet Jerrod Jones that I could make the scenic Moab landscape even more
beautiful if he'd let me show him.  I sat him down, and then said "Turn around!"
Ever since Mexico became so dangerous we've stopped going down each year.

Man, I miss those days...we'd say farewell to all of our girlfriends, check into a hotel
in Rosarito, strip off our clothing, get drunk, start sweating, and I couldn't wait to see
who was going to get straddled first.  In 2007, it was Gute.
Jason used to drive from SoCal to Flagstaff pretty often.  Jason hates stopping once he
gets going.  He also has a bladder that's roughly the size of a walnut.  So, he needed to
come up with a solution.  Finally, he mastered the technique of urinating into a bottle
without stopping, but not before a few wet mishaps.  I was sitting next to him during one
of the mishaps, but I didn't get as drenched as Justin Gourley did, who was sitting directly
in front of Jason.  I can still hear Justin screeching "What WAS that?!?!" as the drops fell
down the back of his neck.
This was a while ago.  Linds put herself to bed early after getting dizzy, but awoke just in
time to throw up all over her bedroom floor.  I helped her into the bathroom, stayed a while,
and then went back into the kitchen where Kyle, Shane, Gute, and I snorted ground up Tic
Tacs and chewed up broken glass (really) until Michelle made everyone leave.
This is an awkward photo, because Pete had always told Pumpkin Penkert that his bra size
was 36DD.  This pic captures the exact moment where that lie was uncovered.  Pete's really
only a 36C.  Can you see the broken trust in Penkert's eyes?
Hey, Landis isn't the most fucked-up looking guy in a photo for once!

I just ordered a coffee mug with this photo on it from KodakGallery.com.
When did Gute get so hardcore?  That's a real pin stuck in his chest, with a real
needle.  On his right bicep, the word 'America' was written, and under his left arm, the
word 'Yeah!' was written, so when he held up his arms, the phrase 'America Fuck
Yeah!' was visible.  But obviously he didn't walk around all day with his arms up, so
most passersby only saw a drunk guy with the word 'FUCK' on his chest, which was
bleeding due to the pin.

I was at home when all this was happening, watching 'Ghostbusters 2' and eating a
bowl of cereal.  Man, I used to be a lot cooler.
Linds got the pics from some photo shoot she did, and I looked over her shoulder as she
checked 'em out.  Most were just normal shots, to be used for headshot submissions and
things like that, but at the end there were some of her with some kind of cat nose/whisker
thing drawn on her face, and she was kind of half-assing a catlike pose.  I just imagine the
photographer yelling "More catlike!  Give me mean!  You're a tiger!  Grrrrrrrrr!"  It never
fails to crack me up. Ha!  I just looked at the photo again and started laughing.  I love it.

Someday, I'm going to wait until Lindsay gets too drunk and draw the cat-face on her with
a Sharpie.  Because she's sure as hell drawn all over me (on more than one occassion)
when I've passed out.  Look at the below photo.  I was semi-awake, too drunk to defend
myself, and she just went to town.  I eventually rolled off the bed and crawled into the
bathroom, because locking myself in there was my only defense.
I don't know how Linds was so awake and active;
she'd been taking down beer bongs all day.
That reminds me, once Gute and I made a beer bong out of a cardboard
tube, some duct tape, a wire shirt hanger, and a Gatorade bottle.  It
worked once, then Gute decided to smoke it.
If the beer was too cold to be beer-bonged comfortably, we simply
heated it up.  That day, we also learned that you can BBQ eggs.
When my brother Jason was about to get married, I produced a little flask of liquid
courage and handed it to him, so he could keep his nerves at bay.
But then Carolyn saw the flask, and she wanted to swig it too...
Gavin didn't want to drink whiskey straight, but Jason made him.

"We're a family now,' said Jason, "Act like it."
Pete thought he had erased all the photos of him hooking up at Brian & Dana's wedding.

He was wrong.  Man, they look like they were hungry...for some face!  
My brother gave me the below photo of Rademeyer singing karaoke,
and I really, really like it.  I wonder what he was singing?

Bukolt, will you paint this?
Jeff Owens got a Freddy Krueger tattoo!  How awesome is that?!
Can't wait to see what it looks like when he gets the color done.
Hey Taylor, I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this to you, but when
you're out of town, I cut my hair into a mean-looking mohawk, pump
myself full of crystal meth, and tear around SoCal on your
motorcycle, looking for adventures.  Just lettin' you know.
Whenever I walk into a party and see a nitrous tank, I get both excited and scared at
the same time, because the same thing always happens: everyone does so many
whip-its that they start to feel sick and permanently stupid (like coming out of a
concussion), and without fail, Kyle gets raped.  Wait--that's not right.  Anyway, I never
thought I'd get so used to watching people fall to the ground, purple-faced and twitching.
Ok, that does it for this update.  Pretty half-assed, I know, but I wanted to get some
new photos up on the site.

I would have liked to include more friends on this page, but I need photos!  Send me
some, I'll put 'em up!  My email address is jeffdahlin@yahoo.com -

Thanks for viewing.  JeffDahlin.com has been active for a full five years now!  I pay like
$12 per month in hosting fees, so that means I've spent a total of $720.00 on this thing.  
Damn, that would have paid for a lot of Slurpees.  
< Looks like Kyle was
having a good time!