Liberate tutame ex inferis.

But things got even worse! One of the guys found this video of
the old crew and it was super messed up, like people fucking each
other with a bunch of bloody body parts and other people clawing
their eyes out and shit like that. I say, if that kind of bloody
sex is what you’re into, more power to you bro (shit, I’d try
anything once), but you’re going to look like a total fucking
idiot with no eyes. I remember when I worked at Peter Piper
Pizza, one time I got hot jalapeño juice squirted in my eyes and
that shit hurt really bad! That old crew was obviously a bunch
of fucking asshole loonies.

Anyway, we weren’t there very long before some giant fuckup
caused a bunch of damage to the recovery ship we were on, so we
all had to go on to the stranded ship. This is when things
turned into a total fucking drag. The dude who was in charge of
everything started talking about how there wasn’t much oxygen and
this other guy got hurt totally bad, he was in a coma for a while
I think, and then he woke up and started talking all kinds of
weird shit. Later, he went to an airlock and tried to open the
fucking thing while he was still in it! That really fucked him
up, I was grossed out already but his veins were all exploded and
I was thinking “I am so over this whole vacation right now.”

Man, they were so pissed when they saw that I'd spilled Mountain Dew all over the
controls. I knew right then that chick in the middle would never let me bang her.

So, we get to this damaged ship, which looked like a giant,
messed up bird or something, and connected to its dock. The guys
go in, and guess what?! There’s no one in the fucking thing! In
one room there was some blood, but no people or anything. It was
at this point that the scientist who came along started talking
about the ship’s engine, how it was a ‘stardrive that folded
space-time’ and he invented it and he was such a genius. If you
ask me, the dude was a little pussy. He had this annoying accent
and always sounded kind of whiny.

I tried to make joke about it to the female officer (who was
actually pretty hot) but that didn’t go over well at all.
Anyway, I kept looking at her tits and realized that I hadn’t
even had a wank in half a year! So I kind of crept away and
decided to get some ‘alone time’. I figured everything with the
ships would be sorted out when I got back.

It takes an ungodly amount of time to get to Neptune, so what you
do is sleep in this suspended animation deal until you get
there. They gave me a shot that ‘slows down the body processes’
and hooked up a catheter to my dick, and then I leaned against
the back of this little pod and then I got another shot that
knocked me right the fuck out. I didn’t dream or anything like
that until I woke up and it was like half a year later. I didn’t
think about it until afterward, but the shitty thing about this
is that if I live to be 75, that means between the trip there and
back I will have slept for a full year—1/75th of my life—on this
trip. That’s fucked dude!

Jergens--about the only thing that made the
trip even remotely bearable.

I had to pass a physical and I couldn’t smoke weed for like a
month, but after a bunch of bullshit (safety training, firesuit
fittings, all that kind of stuff), I found myself strapped into a
chair, launching up into space. The launch itself was pretty
fun, but it’s like riding the ‘Gravitron’ ride at the state fair—
after a while, all the extra g-forces make you sick to your
stomach. I didn’t throw up but for a while after we got past the
upper atmosphere I felt like total shit. Seriously, I couldn’t
even drink water.

Man, I was I wrong. Everything was totally fucked by the time I
started looking for everyone again. First off, I was walking
down the hallway and I saw the captain at the end of the tunnel,
over near the spacedrive. I started walking towards him but then
another guy who was ON FIRE started walking around the room,
talking shit. I just kind of turned around and walked the other
way, like “that’s your problem pal, not mine.” I burned the shit
out of my thumb lighting fireworks when I was in sixth grade and
that shit hurts. What’s next, the jalapeño juice in the eyes
again?

I was pretty damn stoked about the latest trip I had planned.
A space recovery crew of some sort was going to inspect a
damaged craft way the fuck out by Neptune or something. My Dad
was old friends with the CFO of the salvage company and one
night, when they were both smoking cigars in my Dad’s workshop,
I happened to walk in there. I was actually going to steal some
beers from his little fridge, but when I walked in I heard them
talking about the recovery job and the CFO dude mentioned that
it was just a skeleton crew going—some of their normal
employees, a couple of military guys, and a scientist. I looked
at him and said “So, does that mean that there’s room for more
people to go?” --To make a long story short the guy ended up
getting me on the flight as a favor to my Dad.

This dude croaked pretty much right off the bat. Thanks for
nothing pal, what's 'D.J' stand for...'Dead Jerkoff'?

by Zeke "Wolfman Z." Haufman

All kinds of random bullshit was going on, and the chick that I
was going to try and bang on the way home ended up falling off
some walkway and croaking. Finally, the dude with the accent
tore out his eyes and started talking mad shit, like “You can’t
leave, this ship is your home now.” I was like “Yeah right
asshole, there’s not even a Playstation here!”

Then, when someone asked him why he ripped out his own eyes
(idiot), he’s all, “Where we’re going, you won’t need eyes”.
When he said that, I just started busting out laughing, because
it reminded me of the end of ‘Back to the Future’, when Doc is
all “Roads? Where we’re going we won’t need roads.” But all
that did was piss him off.

Anyway, the captain ended up blowing up part of the ship (with
him on it! Smooth move dude.) but the rest of us started back
for Earth.

my trip on the 'Event Horizon'

worst vacation ever.

When I finally did get back, I knew I was going to hear the
following sentence, and sure enough I did: “Duuudde. You totally
fuckin’ missed out! You should have been here! Last month at a
party the Dixie Chicks showed up and started giving everyone
blowjobs…even the fat one!”

Fuck. I don’t even like country music but that would have been
sweet. Anyway, I digress. We’re all here to celebrate the
wedding of Jason Bukolt and Jeni Elliot. What an awesome couple,
eh? Well, open bar—I’ll see you fuckers over there!

(the text on this webpage is all I have written for my best man
speech so far, hopefully I can throw some jokes in or something).

-Jeff

Congrats to the bride and groom!